Hey mamas, sisters, and friends–today I write to share a story with you. This is a story about giving all the glory to my Savior and God Jesus Christ. If you recall, last year right around this time I posted how I Had an Anembryonic Pregnancy (Blighted Ovum). Reading over that post before you start with this one might give you greater context on what I share. If not, what you need to know is that last July I miscarried with my third pregnancy. Before finding out with a positive pregnancy test, I had read the book of Ruth in the bible and told my husband how much her story spoke to me. I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me if we are pregnant then this child is going to be named Ruth. Sure enough, the test came back positive a couple weeks later. I made it three months into the pregnancy thinking everything was going fine. It was at twelve weeks when we found out about this atypical miscarriage. My body was only growing the gestational sac–there was no fetus, or child, in my womb (anembryonic pregnancy). Where was Ruth? I quote from the older blog post, “But God said not yet. Ruth isn’t ready yet. She’s coming, but not now.”
Fast forward eight months later–I’m pregnant again! This pregnancy was totally opposite to my first two (who were both girls). I thought for sure we were going to have a boy. We decided at my ten week appointment with my midwife to do the blood test to find out the gender. At about twelve weeks pregnant, my husband and I were shocked, surprised, and amazed how we were going to have another girl! Cue My Faithful God: He answered our prayer. This child is Ruth.
We had a couple ultrasounds that confirmed my pregnancy showing our growing, healthy, and alive baby girl. I had her last ultrasound where we saw her moving and jumping around in my womb at fifteen weeks. I literally saw this child jump for joy. Cue my redemptive pregnancy. We scheduled the anatomy scan for five weeks later (twentieth week of pregnancy). I never felt much, if any, movement from baby throughout the pregnancy. We thought my placenta was in the front, causing this to be the case this time around. Soon enough, we would find out at our next appointment. On a recent Monday, me, my husband, and our two precious girls made our way to the anatomy scan appointment. All of us had been praying so much for little Ruthie–asking God to protect her and help her continue to grow with good health. When we saw her on the ultrasound, the doctor said she had no heartbeat. Cue unexpected loss.
The Lord held my heart in His when we were given the news. I knew everything was going to be okay. He is my Rock and my Redeemer. All glory will go to Him no matter the circumstances, but I was still crushed. I was sorrowful and grieving this new information and then processing what was going to have to happen next: I still had to birth this sweet child of ours, without a heartbeat.
We went to the emergency room that evening (after the ultrasound). I was seeing my midwife for another homebirth, so we didn’t have established care with a typical OB. They ran another ultrasound at the hospital and they offered us two options: get a D&E or be induced. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I initially wanted the D&E. To think that I had to go through the birthing process knowing my child had passed was a tough pill to swallow. I didn’t know what to expect. I was scared and fearful of what was going to happen if I did get induced. We left the hospital and asked them to give us the night to think and pray about it. My husband suggested the more natural route with the induction, but like I said–I was scared. I didn’t want the emotional pain associated with it. But something happened on the drive home. God gave me this thought: Vanessa, you need to honor this child, your baby Ruth, that I blessed you with–by giving her a proper birth. It was final. I needed no other thought or feeling to change my mind. God is right (like He always is). We went in for the induction the next day at 3pm.
Before going into the hospital, I filled my mind with scripture. With the promises and truth of my mighty, holy, and awesome God. To know God is to know His faithful word. Psalm 64:1 is the scripture that I clung to throughout the birthing process: “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble; therefore I shall not fear.” When I tell you the Lord’s hand was on me through this trial, I very much mean that. He continues to watch over my family and I, and is carrying us through this. Overall, the birth was a seamless, fairly quick process that left my husband and I glorifying God amidst it all. We got to hold little Ruthie and spend time with her. Praying for her and thanking God that He blessed us with her–even though it wasn’t the plan I had in mind; God was still faithful in answering prayers. I’m reminded of Proverbs 16:9– “There are many plans in a man’s heart, but the Lord directs his steps.” I’m indeed walking that road right now. Trusting in the will of my Father and filling my spirit with worship and thanksgiving is all I can do…and of course mourn for this earthly loss. I also remind myself in John 17, when Jesus references that as believers we are in this world, but we are not of it. The meaning is that though we live here and our life is here, it is not our ‘home.’ We won’t be here forever, but instead our eternal home is in heaven with Jesus. Ruth is with Jesus right now; and I rest in that. My Father has given me peace, and I pray you can experience peace in the Lord as well. No matter what we face in this life, He will always be there for us. “Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” –James 1:2-4
If you haven’t surrendered your life to the Lord, then pray this prayer with me: “Lord, Jesus, I commit my life to you from this point forward. I am a sinner in need of a Savior and call on You to save my soul. Please forgive me for my sinful ways and help me to live my life for You from this point forward. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Like the title of this blog post says, Glory to God through it all. I mean that with all my heart. What a blessing to know Jesus and have an intimate relationship with Him. Our little Ruth is being held in His arms right now…cheering us on. I look forward to the day that I see you again in heaven, sweet girl. Until then, I’ll keep trusting in the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I will acknowledge Him in all my ways, knowing He will direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
A special thank you to ALL my friends and family who have supported us through this tough time with your continued prayers. Seeing the body of Christ at work is a sobering and humbling thing. Knowing the amount of people who have prayed, brought us meals, sent flowers, and written encouraging messages is overwhelming in a miraculous way. May the Lord bless you ten-fold in your support to us. We love you! –The Yevsins
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