Making motherhood is a blog I created to share the experiences in my own journey of being a mama. Today, I’m sharing how I had an anembryonic pregnancy, otherwise called a blighted ovum. This is where your body has a fertilized egg that implants in the uterus and forms the gestational sac, but the embryo does not develop for whatever causes. This is slightly different from a chemical pregnancy where the fertilized egg is lost shortly after implantation, usually at week five or six. With a blighted ovum, my body had formed the sac but there was no baby inside of it–and my body was still experiencing all of the pregnancy symptoms. I was twelve weeks along when I found out that we didn’t have a baby. Typically, if you were to go in for an ultrasound at eight weeks then they would be able to tell you that there was no baby; however, we did not get an ultrasound. I also didn’t have any abnormal bleeding or signs of complications until this last week when it started. But let’s back up…
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” –Proverbs 3:5-6
In late April, I got a positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy was one-hundred percent from the Lord. In the middle of April around the time when we were trying to get pregnant, I was reading the bible one morning. I read the book of Ruth. It was such a touching story that I hadn’t read in a while. I was so moved by how the Lord worked in Ruth and Naomi’s life. I told my husband, if we get pregnant this month–we need to name our baby Ruth. So a couple weeks later I thought I might be pregnant. I took a test and it was negative. God is good, God is faithful I still told myself. I still didn’t get my cycle a couple days later, so I wanted to test again. It was actually our two year old’s birthday, the day I woke up deciding if I should test this morning, or if I should wait one more day. Upon waking, I checked my ‘verse of the day’ on my bible app. I was amazed. The verse of the day was from the book of Ruth. I have checked my daily verses for over two hundred days in a row, and I can’t tell you the last time I had seen a verse pop up from Ruth. Okay, Lord…this is a sign. I’m going to take the pregnancy test again…and as you already know, the test ended up positive! Thank you, Lord! This child is a blessing from You–and to find out on our daughter’s birthday was another added joy.
As the weeks passed by, I was going through all the first trimester pregnancy feels. We prayed for little Ruth–asking God to bless this pregnancy, bless her body, bless the birth, and no miscarriage. We told the girls about little Ruth and how they were going to have a new baby come January. We told our family and friends. If you read my last blog post, you read how we took a family vacation to Florida. We got back on a Friday night. Saturday morning I woke up and started to have very light bleeding. I texted my midwife and told her what was going on. The bleeding continued on and off the next day or so–but wasn’t too heavy (yet). I was supposed to have the next appointment with my midwife on Thursday, but on Monday evening we went in for an ultrasound to get some answers since I was still bleeding on and off. It was then we were able to see on the ultrasound that my body had developed the sac but there was no baby there.
No baby? I was confused and a bit in shock. Where was little Ruth? We had been praying for her. God blessed us with a pregnancy–but there was no baby. If there had been a baby without a heartbeat on the ultrasound then that would have been Ruth, but there was no child! Lord–I’m trusting. I’m walking in faith amidst this trial that I don’t know why it happened. We were grateful, excited, and ready to bring a third child into our family. But God said not yet. Ruth isn’t ready yet. She’s coming, but not now.
Lord, I’m trusting. I’m waiting. I’m leaning into the truths and promises of Your word.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” –Romans 8:28
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” –Psalm 127:3
“Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.” –Psalm 128:3-4
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” –Psalm 46:1
“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” –Proverbs 16:9
There are many ‘what ifs’ as to why this pregnancy did not bring forth a child. Maybe my body wasn’t ready to have a third child yet. Maybe the child wouldn’t have been healthy. Maybe I wouldn’t have been healthy. Maybe there would have been fatal complications with the birth. The scenarios to question this loss are endless. I don’t have an answer and I am okay with that because of the truths and hope found in my Lord. “Be still and know that I am God” –Psalm 46:10
Thank you for reading the not-so fun moments in my journey of motherhood. Join me in trusting in the Lord and the plans He has for us. Be blessed, mamas, sisters, and friends!
Related Posts:
1. Expecting Mama, Here’s My Letter to You
2. Becoming a Mom
3. The Most Important Job
4. How I Prioritize Time With the Lord While Raising Littles
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