Making Motherhood

Mamas, sisters, and friends–I write to you today with sorrow, but also with faith-filled joy. Let me share my story with you.

Before we begin, I remind you as followers of Christ we are not meant to walk this road alone. That’s why the body of Christ is a miraculous thing. I remind you that we are to, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15), “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2), and finally, “if one member suffers, all members suffer with it, or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26).

As many of you know, we lost our third child at 20 weeks into my pregnancy this past July, and the year before I had a miscarriage due to a blighted ovum. I wrote about Ruth’s pregnancy and story here. I gave birth to her on July 16th, and like clockwork, I got my cycle back a month later. We weren’t even trying this soon, but the Lord has His ways. I got a positive pregnancy test on September 11th. Can you believe it? A miracle! I am blessed. Every child is a gift from the Lord–no matter the outcome (Psalm 127:3). I believed we were going to see this child through and bring him or her into our family this time. I dared to hope that this pregnancy would bring forth fruit and we wouldn’t have another loss. How could I? The trusting and the surrendering I gave to God before all this happened…it was just all so timely. It seemed like God was going to rewrite our story differently this time. But the Lord has His ways. 

I was a day shy of 7 weeks pregnant when I started miscarrying. We were getting ready to leave for church and it happened. I called for my husband and shook my head in disbelief. Just two nights prior to this I was telling him how I’m praying and hoping that this child will bring tremendous glory to God–for people to see the loss of Ruth and then how God turned it all around in such a short time for another pregnancy to occur. I was praying. I was hoping. My faith was all in. I shed some tears, said a prayer, and we continued on to church that morning. I worshipped my God singing and praising Him to the “Honeycomb Song (Taste & See)” during service. Here are some of the lyrics that spoke straight to my spirit amidst my circumstances:

I know a good God, I have a Father
He is my daily bread, my living water
I have a promise, He will deliver
I’m satisfied, I’m satisfied ’cause
He is good

And from the mountain to the valley,
He is good
On my best days and worst ones,
He is good
And from glory to glory, He is good
Oh, taste and see that He is good (Hey)
I’m satisfied, I’m satisfied ’cause
He is good

Oh Lord, how good you are! Even as I sit and write this post, I rest in those lyrics because you are good! No matter what! I firmly believe that the Lord was preparing my heart with the event of another loss, even though I didn’t know it at the time. This is because I went on my church’s Women’s Retreat days before all this happened. The Lord used some of the events there to draw me even closer to Him. The theme from the weekend was “joy.” We talked about joy in the pain…and the speaker shared such an awesome testimony of her own faith. I also purchased two books on the retreat (we went to the Billy Graham Training Center at the Cove) from their bookstore Ruth’s Attic and God has used the writers from those books to teach me more about His purpose and plans for believers. One of those books is Keep a Quiet Heart by Elizabeth Elliot. I started reading this the day I got home from the retreat (and the day after is when the miscarriage started happening, on Sunday). 

Elizabeth Elliott writes, “Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for” (page 28, Keep a Quiet Heart)

Wow. Can you say humbled? I resonate so much with this because it grows my faith even more! Our time on earth is but a vapor, but I need to live it out with an eternal mindset. I may not understand why God does what He does, but I must keep looking heaven-ward if I ever want to find out. One day when I am glorified with my Savior, I won’t have anymore pain, suffering, or sorrow. It actually makes me grateful for the pain and trials that I do experience here on earth because it shows me how faith truly is more precious than gold. 

I had sisters in Christ praying for me before I went in on Wednesday to get an ultrasound. We were all praying for God’s comfort in this experience. Two days before, on Monday when I really needed prayer over this situation, I called one of my sisters. On the phone, she asked me if I trusted God. I said, yes of course. She asked me if I wanted His will over my life, and again I said yes. She prayed for life in my womb, but if not, that God would prepare my heart for what’s to come. The Lord used her to give me so much peace in my spirit. Thank you, Paula! You are a true follower of Christ and I admire your wise counsel and wisdom–may the Lord bless you tenfold. 

Up until my ultrasound, I was praying the same prayer. I was daring to hope that God would still give us life in my womb despite the bleeding. Maybe it was a subchorionic hematoma or abnormal bleeding that the doctors couldn’t give understanding to. As we know, it was deemed a miscarriage though. But the Lord has His ways. I am joyfully suffering as I walk this road of loss for the third time in a row. My husband is right there with me as we hold onto our faith. Look at the scriptures–they tell us the same thing:

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” –James 1:2-3

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation,” –2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.” –Romans 5:3-4

“We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—” –2 Corinthians 4:8-9

I want to share one last passage from Elliot. She writes the following on page 33 of Keep a Quiet Heart: “Whenever I have resisted Him, I have cheated myself…Whenever I have yielded, I have found joy.” My dear friends, wherever you are in your walk with the Lord, just know that He deeply cares for us! His plans are far greater than the plans we desire for ourselves. I have learned through this season of continual losses that my faith is more precious than gold. I may not know what He is doing, and I’m okay with that. God has taught me to put all my trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). It grows my faith to trust all the more in my Savior and be fully dependent on Him. He is the potter and I am the clay (Isaiah 64:8). Father, I am completely and utterly surrendered to You and the will you have for mine and my family’s life. You have blessed us with two beautiful daughters that we get to disciple and train up in the ways of You. And we have two other blessed children who we will not meet until we are in glorified bodies. But the Lord has His ways…and I am to remain joyful regardless. I’ll end us with a scripture from Habakkuk to reiterate joy in the pain:

“Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls–Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.” –Habakkuk 3:17

Be blessed mamas, sisters, and friends. Let your JOY be found in the Lord Jesus Christ as He walks with you through the valleys and the mountain tops. Talk to you in the next one.

*Part of the title of this post, “Faith More Precious Than Gold,” is attributed to a song with that title. My dear friend Lindsey shared the song with me after our loss of Ruth. Here is the link to that song if you want to check it out!